mine? before you and after you
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I wish I could tell you I remember every second,” she whispered, her voice heavy with unshed tears, “but I don’t. I remember meeting him for the first time, our first kiss and a handful of happy moments. But I forgot the details. I hardly remember his smell or the sound of his laugh or the feeling of his hands in mine. I remember the sadness in his eyes when he said goodbye. I tried so hard to forget him when he left that I find it hard to even remember his face on some days.
n.j. (via ninasdrafts)
“He looks at me and says, “god, I’m so terrified you’re going to fuck me up.” He does this half laugh. “You know why?” I shake my head. “Because 80% of people don’t stay together but I keep imagining old me and old you taking walks on a beach somewhere. “And if we don’t, I’ll have that image stuck in my head forever, and it’s going to fuck me up.””
— Sue Zhao
don’t leave me behind and cry when I move on
especially when you pushed me away like you wanted me gone.
I’m sorry I’m happy, I’m sorry you’re not part of it
but I tried with you and you weren’t interested.
so stop blaming me like I’m the villain
when we both know all your troubles are self inflicted.
— alhwrires
Don’t Fall In love With Me.
Don’t fall in love with me.
There are days when I get sad without a reason and I just stare at the ceiling with tears streaming down my face.
Don’t fall in love with me.
On those days, I don’t talk to anyone. I just bury myself in my bed and think about how I became this mess of sadness.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I will become attached to you and I will cry myself to sleep if you don’t text me good night before you go to sleep and I will convince myself that it’s because you got tired of me.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m too much. I will depend on you. I need attention, much more than other people. I’ll talk to you in metaphors and make you one. I’ll write poems about you and opening up my skin at 2 A.M.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I will pour everything I’ve left of me into you, every bit of love, until I have nothing to give. Until I become completely empty.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m scared that my sadness is contagious.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I will replay your sweet words in my head when I hate myself so much that I want to die. Your words will be the only thing that make me stay.
Don’t fall in love with me.
You will live in fear. You won’t be able to leave me, because you’d know if you did, I wouldn’t have anything to live for.
Don’t fall in love with me.
Before I met you, there wasn’t a single person who could’ve made me stay. You’re my reason now.
Don’t fall in love with me.
Because I will fall in love with you.
I can’t be with you anymore, I’m walking away. I’m sorry, I can’t continue like this. I hope you have a good life. I hope one day you understand how much I loved you, still love you. How much I would’ve given you. I hope one day you understand how much strength walking away took me. It’s not easy for me walking away from someone who haunts my existence. Someone who’s always at the back of my mind, in every thought, in every daydream. In every hope of a future… I hope one day you wake up and it hits you. It hits you like a fucking rock to the face. It hits you that you lost someone who would’ve given you everything in the hopes of you looking at them with love and awe. I longed for loving the way you touched me without using your hands. I longed for feeling your eyes on me when I looked away. I longed for the way you sighed and gave in when I kissed you.
Touch me like you fell in love with my body. Talk to me like you fell in love with my soul.
1. Last year the doctor told me that this kind of sadness is inherited. That they have discovered that sometimes it skips a generation. That the darkness inside me did not grow from nowhere it came from somewhere. I thought to myself, that there is a reason why I have always thought my heart was an attic where I hid pieces of myself. Pieces no one ever wanted.
2. The first boy I ever chose to show this sadness to decided to take it from my attic heart and planted it inside my soul instead. It was easy for him. My soul was a garden I showed him too soon. And he decided that meant he was allowed to take anything he wanted to.
3. Every man who has dared to love me since, has stared at this dark ivy covered soul like it is a haunted house, and I have never tried to explain the thing I have always known. Because men do not have to learn how to open their own selves and lock themselves up again. They are taught to be themselves and the world will accept them better that way. We are taught to break our bodies to be loved. We are taught to confuse sex and love.
4. I knew a girl whose father left her and she took all of her love for him and ate it to comfort herself. People joked how she lived in the kitchen. No one saw her tears when she ate.
5. A friend once told me that she locked herself inside the closet when her parents fought because her father beat her mother and she wished herself into the wood, just so she knew what it was like to be an inanimate object that couldn’t hear or feel anything.
6. My mother told me, that it is the way of the world for girls to grow into women by locking secrets inside themselves. Till now I still imagine every woman I have ever met as a big beautiful house. Full of secret rooms, hiding places, once filled with innocent laughter and joy. Now slightly sad and forgotten because of all those lost places inside them full of secrets.
Aug 23rd, 2015
I always thought I was broken. I always thought that I needed someone to help me pick up all the tiny shattered pieces of myself that I just couldn’t hold on my own. Those pieces all represented a pain of some sort, a moment where I felt deeply hurt and for some reason I just wanted to hold on to. But I recently learned that in order for me to move on, I do not need all of these pieces to carry along with me. In conclusion, I do not need someone to help me pick up my broken pieces, instead I’ll pick myself up on my own. And I will use the pieces I leave behind as stepping stones to reach a better place, and come out of my struggles a stronger person than I was before. And there is no greater strength or sense of fulfillment than in realizing how strong you truly were from the beginning…
Because people who already glow, will brightly shine in their times of darkness.
the difference between you and me is that I free my time to talk to you while you talk to me in your free time.

